Well this month.. who am I kidding the last couple months have not been great at all. First off a huge storm took down a part of our backyard fence and 3 of our dogs got out. We got them all back eventually. Then a couple weeks later I had to rush another of my pups to the ER for cluster seizures. And now this!!
So I began college in 2009 at a private university which was the dumbest thing I could do, turns out. I was majoring in Equestrian Science and about halfway through my second year my professor told me I didn’t really need my degree in America and save my money because I wasn’t learning anything. I was raised with and by equestrians and didn’t really need to learn to ride or train. So I switched my major to creative writing, my other passion.
Halfway through my second year I couldn’t afford the tuition anymore and switched to an online school which made me feel like a complete failure. I went from a 4 year program, struggling with 8 classes a week to one class every 8 weeks for well…. I graduated this Feb so I’ve been in college for a little over 7 years. But I graduated with a B.A in Creative Writing with a concentration in Fiction.
Now this week my mom gets a letter about a parent plus loan that she helped me with my first year which was suppose to be $2,000, turns out they posted my entire year and a half tuition towards it and gave my grant money back to me as refunds. I know both our fault for not catching it. So now I have to pay back $38,000 that’s in my moms name, plus the $60,000 I racked up from other loans from that private university and my online university. Plus my normal debt so all together I suddenly owe $105,000 and I feel like drowning!!
I know alot of it was my fault I was pretty poor those years and used alot of my refund money to just get by in life on. Food, rent, etc and now Im wishing I was homeless and paid it back on my loans. I currently am a Professional Photographer but I make squat because it’s seasonal where I live and my husband makes 95% of our money which is fine. But now this hanging over our heads. All I can think of is get a second job, try and finish my book in hopes of getting it published. Pay back all the money now!! Yeah I know I can pay it off over 25 years but it’s driving me insane this 6 digit number hovering always over my head like a thunder cloud. All I can think of is normal people don’t have this much debt, let alone student loans that are not medical or law related. How could I be so stupid!! I truly feel so alone in this.
My husband keeps reassuring me it will be ok, well get it taken care of no problem, especially if we get income based pay back options for both so Im not shoveling out $800-$1000 a month for the next ten years but. Was my degree worth it. Was that stupid piece of paper worth this? Did it make me a better writer? Who am I kidding I’ll never be published, that’s like winning the damn lottery and my manuscript isn’t even halfway complete and I have been working on it for 10 years.
Did college ruin my chance at a future? Right now all I can think of is yes.
Sorry had to rant…